It's been a little while since I last wrote. In all honesty, I think I'm wavering in and out of depression. Recently, I've had to shut my father out of my life. He sends these e-mails that always tear down my hopes, my goals, my dreams, and my motivation to carry on with life's endeavors. I know that if I tell him that he's no longer a part of my life, he will only try to snake his way back in so that he can continue to hurt me and try to control decisions he can't control. This depressed state of mind is starting to affect my school and if I fail any of my classes, I'm going to be heart broken. I want to prove that I can be successful without him. Being hated, makes me feel like I deserve to be hated.
On another note, I've decided to work out and go on a diet. Hopefully it will give me enough self-esteem to pick myself out of this slump.
Not much else to write about. Hoping that I can write a good poem with these emotions. I write those on another blog - whaleriderspoetry.blogspot.com
(in case anyone starts to read my posts: my name is ilittleheartu on that blog
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Catching Up On College
I've decided that I'm going to just write about college life. It's probably a common thing to write about, but I'm not too concerned with that fact. I've already been here for about 2 months, so I'm just going to summarize events up until this point. On my first weekend here I met my roommate and two suite mates who are very nice. My roommate is very christian with good morals, my suite mate is very proud of her home state and a tad adventurous, and my other suite mate is very artsy and is very involved in her Asian culture. I also burnt popcorn on the first weekend which made our room smell odd for about 2 weeks.
I've met many people in an attempt to make friends but only just now found some that I like and that like me too. Many people here are looking for significant others, but since I have a boyfriend I have lost many potential guy friends since they were only trying to get with me. My boyfriend doesn't go to school here, he lives 1,000+ miles away even though my own home is only a 9 hour car ride away from college. This distance between my friends, family, and boyfriend makes it hard for any of them to visit me in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Yep, I'm a yooper now don'tchaknow. I work in the cafeteria on campus so that I can afford to buy small necessities, but mainly so that I can afford to visit my boyfriend and family sometime.
The reason I'm in college is so I can get a degree and research bears and maybe save the polar bears. I'm also trying to become bilingual and learn to speak Spanish fluently.
Speaking of earlier when I wrote about guys wanting to get with any girl they can, I had to call public services on a creepy guy who dropped out of this school, but still roamed the buildings and dorms on campus (which is trespassing) so that he can meet with chicks. He put his name and number on my pillow when I wasn't there and will be arrested next time he returns on campus because he has come back too many times. I've also had a couple guys at work hit on me, which is awkward because I need this job and I don't want to lose it by starting trouble over what's probably just "harmless flirting" on their part. I think the sex drive of high school is no different than that in college.
There's only one teacher I don't like and it's because he thinks his views on education are better and he doesn't agree with me that I should be getting A's on my tests. "50% is successful to me because that is probably a good estimation of how much you know." However, Prof., 50% won't allow me to pass this REQUIRED class. My favourite teacher is either the one that teaches my favourite class because he's funny and he used characters from the movie Matrix in examples on an exam once (it was awesome), or the teacher that cancels class a lot due to poor planning and tells us about days long ago when she used to be a stoner.
I have to talk to my father about student loans because he doesn't want to co-sign on a loan, but that's the only way I can come back to college, otherwise I can't afford it. My mother sends me random packages when she misses me. My siblings rarely talk to me now, although I found out that my brother is moving out of the house with a "bro" and my sister texted me once to ask me if I thought Panda's had big tongues... Yeah, I don't really know either. And I miss my boyfriend's family a lot because I was "adopted" by them and went to their house frequently. I can tell them anything, but I can only tell my brother anything out of the blood family I have. If I didn't have them, I would be very lonely in life.
Recently, I went to a party this weekend and became closer with a lot of people. Although, they went for 4 days and I only went for 1. I hung out with a friend from work and we explored the town and found some really cool places. I also got my ears double pierced for $15, so that means I have 6 piercings now. Nothing kinky, just 4 ear piercings, a nose ring, and a belly ring. I also have two tattoos. My dad doesn't know about the second one, but I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want him to not help me stay in school and not co-sign my loan. Co-signing my loan regardless of my second tattoo would be morally correct, but somehow I think my dad doesn't care about what's the right thing to do, unless the right thing to do is what he wants to do in the first place. I hope he doesn't read this, or even know of it's existence, because I don't want him to know about my tattoo. Again, I fear it will make him "leave me in the dust" when I really need his help right now.
Today, I feel kind of odd, like I'm not myself. It could be the gloomy weather or all the things going through my mind. I guess I could list them here, since it is a blog after all. I'm thinking about loans and my dad, school work, things I need to buy for my fish at Walmart so I can clean his tank, trying to find a ride to Walmart, deciding when I'm going to actually get up and clean my room before my roommate gets home, and trying to find time for a haircut that I desperately need.
Last minute thought, my fish is named Dragon, or Dragon Ball Z when I'm mad at him for being difficult. He's my only companion while the majority of my friends sleep off their party and while my roommate is away. She went home last weekend and this weekend, and she's visiting her boyfriend next weekend. So I got the room to myself for a while, which is nice, but also very quiet.
TTFN
~Oblivious Dreamer
I've met many people in an attempt to make friends but only just now found some that I like and that like me too. Many people here are looking for significant others, but since I have a boyfriend I have lost many potential guy friends since they were only trying to get with me. My boyfriend doesn't go to school here, he lives 1,000+ miles away even though my own home is only a 9 hour car ride away from college. This distance between my friends, family, and boyfriend makes it hard for any of them to visit me in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Yep, I'm a yooper now don'tchaknow. I work in the cafeteria on campus so that I can afford to buy small necessities, but mainly so that I can afford to visit my boyfriend and family sometime.
The reason I'm in college is so I can get a degree and research bears and maybe save the polar bears. I'm also trying to become bilingual and learn to speak Spanish fluently.
Speaking of earlier when I wrote about guys wanting to get with any girl they can, I had to call public services on a creepy guy who dropped out of this school, but still roamed the buildings and dorms on campus (which is trespassing) so that he can meet with chicks. He put his name and number on my pillow when I wasn't there and will be arrested next time he returns on campus because he has come back too many times. I've also had a couple guys at work hit on me, which is awkward because I need this job and I don't want to lose it by starting trouble over what's probably just "harmless flirting" on their part. I think the sex drive of high school is no different than that in college.
There's only one teacher I don't like and it's because he thinks his views on education are better and he doesn't agree with me that I should be getting A's on my tests. "50% is successful to me because that is probably a good estimation of how much you know." However, Prof., 50% won't allow me to pass this REQUIRED class. My favourite teacher is either the one that teaches my favourite class because he's funny and he used characters from the movie Matrix in examples on an exam once (it was awesome), or the teacher that cancels class a lot due to poor planning and tells us about days long ago when she used to be a stoner.
I have to talk to my father about student loans because he doesn't want to co-sign on a loan, but that's the only way I can come back to college, otherwise I can't afford it. My mother sends me random packages when she misses me. My siblings rarely talk to me now, although I found out that my brother is moving out of the house with a "bro" and my sister texted me once to ask me if I thought Panda's had big tongues... Yeah, I don't really know either. And I miss my boyfriend's family a lot because I was "adopted" by them and went to their house frequently. I can tell them anything, but I can only tell my brother anything out of the blood family I have. If I didn't have them, I would be very lonely in life.
Recently, I went to a party this weekend and became closer with a lot of people. Although, they went for 4 days and I only went for 1. I hung out with a friend from work and we explored the town and found some really cool places. I also got my ears double pierced for $15, so that means I have 6 piercings now. Nothing kinky, just 4 ear piercings, a nose ring, and a belly ring. I also have two tattoos. My dad doesn't know about the second one, but I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want him to not help me stay in school and not co-sign my loan. Co-signing my loan regardless of my second tattoo would be morally correct, but somehow I think my dad doesn't care about what's the right thing to do, unless the right thing to do is what he wants to do in the first place. I hope he doesn't read this, or even know of it's existence, because I don't want him to know about my tattoo. Again, I fear it will make him "leave me in the dust" when I really need his help right now.
Today, I feel kind of odd, like I'm not myself. It could be the gloomy weather or all the things going through my mind. I guess I could list them here, since it is a blog after all. I'm thinking about loans and my dad, school work, things I need to buy for my fish at Walmart so I can clean his tank, trying to find a ride to Walmart, deciding when I'm going to actually get up and clean my room before my roommate gets home, and trying to find time for a haircut that I desperately need.
Last minute thought, my fish is named Dragon, or Dragon Ball Z when I'm mad at him for being difficult. He's my only companion while the majority of my friends sleep off their party and while my roommate is away. She went home last weekend and this weekend, and she's visiting her boyfriend next weekend. So I got the room to myself for a while, which is nice, but also very quiet.
TTFN
~Oblivious Dreamer
Friday, April 6, 2012
Time To Do Yard Work
This post isn't going to be very long but ohhhh well. :)
Today my main goal is to do yard work and earn money from the mother ;D should be fun (when I get the money). It's picking up leaves and trimming a bush for at least $25-$40 so I gotta get working on it soon. My mental stability is at it's usual 30% and I'm ready for the day :D
Side note: I use a lot of smiley faces so I'm going to start counting.
Smiley Count: 3
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